and so it is, that the 10 weeks of respite have come to a close (well, almost, with just 5 more days); and that im almost packed and all ready, and i daresay, even, raring to go.

truth be spoken, life to me can be quite vagabondish in more ways than one. i get all excited about returning home, and then once the initial excitement and hype die down, i start craving for something new. new places to be in, new sights to take in, new things to do, and new people to meet.

yet, despite my constant yearnings, im very happy to have gotten my rest, and am fully recharged for a new academic year ahead. to feel that all challenges are surmountable, that nothing can intimidate me anymore and that solitude is just but a mental battle that can be easily won is something that i couldnt even remotely feel back there and then. such is the amazing power of coming home, the strengthening and the feeling of invincibility.

it may sound slightly masochistic, but im looking forward to being alone again. yes, and by 'alone' i dun mean that kind of 'overseas alone' whereby u can just slip on your slippers, shuffle along the corridor, climb some flights of stairs, walk to a particular door, knock and you shall find your comfort gang of singaporeans/asians (ie of coz, if you're not already housing with them). what im talking about here is a vacuum that cannot be filled so conveniently and cheaply. but what is good is that i have more breathing space, and less trouble too. for living with people brings into play some politics and compromise, and theres always treading of toes somehow. sure, i enjoy company and certainly value the importance of sharing a gd laugh over crass humour, and helping each other in times of need, but i think i treasure my personal space just as much; and above all, i think it wld serve as a greater impetus for me to socialise more.

i realised that ive changed. that the freedom and independence ive enjoyed overseas has led to me wanting things done in a certain manner; and as such i wouldnt give in so easily. my territory is therefore now more easily encroached upon. and dealing with ppl is not an easy business. even within the family, parents can be belligerent, and bro can be so incalcitrant i wanna drown them all with e vitriol and risen bile in me. some friends alike, have left me feeling quite disenchanted with their attitudes and behaviour. so much for professing to do this and that, when they are the 'out of sight, out of mind' kinda ppl. owell, i shant be affected anymore by it. for now, im just glad to return to my second home where, though theres a lack of company on weekdays, i have friends to meet up with on weekends, and certain routines i hope to get into. and that, for me is sufficient.

it wldnt be fair to entirely discount the fun tt ive had this summer, with the numerous jaunts and gatherings i had with some gangs. for those who made e effort to plan and organise, heres a big shout out to them. the harsh reality of friendship is that most ppl come and go, and that few are able to fully progress with you in every stage of your life. what matters most is then treasuring those who have accompanied you thru e important and formative chapters of your life, and keeping those u deem worthy. this yr overseas has functioned as a sieve for me to sift out - to put it bluntly - rejects from those whom i wanna stay in contact with. there is simply no point in keeping acquaintances and having once-in-a-blue-moon meet-ups and meals, is there?

ah...who can truly understand the mixed feeling of conflict at every turn i make? and who can stay free of judgement?

at times, i rely too much on my strength when i shld have relied on His. and where my understanding fails me, i still try to grope thru e darkness instead of turning to Him. i fail terribly in this aspect. its time to commit myself into His hands. hands that flung stars into space, to cruel nails surrendered.