i've been back for 20 days. another 20 odd days to go before i go off again. sigh.. each summer return is getting shorter than ever. only good thing is that my yearning to come back has waned each year. while meeting up with friends has been great, i realised that the initial happiness at having returned sizzles out faster each time.

anyway, i'll be leaving for myanmar tomorrow for a week. funny how i always come here to natter away to my heart's content on the eve of smth eventful. my luggage is all packed, and it's really heavy at 15 kg, what with a huge-ass load of old clothes, used bags and some stationery to give to the people over there; though of coz, nothing beats my 48kg load when i returned from paris. i was heaving and panting like anything when i finally made my way to the check-in counter. if not for my super-kind friend who had volunteered to send me to the airport, i wld prob have splattered blood all my way to my favourite Charles de Gaulle airport as i just had 2 wisdom teeth extracted just the day before. and knowing how things tend to go wrong in that airport, im very sure i wld wind up sitting desolate in some corner after missing my flight.

anyway, back to myanmar. i dun really know what to expect of this humanitarian-missionary trip. teaching is still ok, rebuilding stuff is quite alright (though the thought of strenuous work under the hot sun isn't very tempting), but being in contact with HIV-positive ppl is a whole new ballgame. it's always been smth that we're aware of but have not really come into contact with. owell, there are so many things that we people know, yet are blithely unaware of. i'll just have to be extra careful. anyway,the feelings coursing through me right now are:

excitement-that i'm actually going for such a thing and will for once in my life do smth good to help people. i really hope that it will be as meaningful as i envisioned it to be.

remember those halcyon days of yore, back then in the 1990s where doing flag day seemed to be the bane of most students' existence? well, i dunno about you, but my strategy wld always involve actively thrusting the stupid tin with the fugliest stickers under a lot of people's nose before rushing off somewhere to skive. OUPS. back in jc2, where mandatory CIP hours had to be fulfilled, i was cursed to sell stuffed horses one fine saturday morning. i cant rem the organisation we were trying to help, but i do remember not being able to sell any of those horses at all. we did really try to promote those lovely equine cousins of sarah jessica parker to the generous public at a reasonable price of 5 bucks each, but in the end, my friend and i gave up. we went to a cinema to watch.... powerpuff girls, before getting back to the assembly point to return the tins. and horses of coz. we started off with 20 each, but we ended with 19 coz we decided to be charitable and bought 1 each. we summoned the most rueful look we could when we approached the lady, and she went 'HUH!?!?" when she saw our meagre returns. and i did feel bad, because... they paid us 5 bucks each for the 5-hr work. go do the maths.

the other time i helped someone on such a similar level was when i helped an old lady to cross the road. yea i know it was very civics-and-moral-educational, but what i didn't expect was that she didn't want to cross the road at all. oups.

fear- at not knowing what to expect. spiritual-wise, i dun feel really equipped enough to go for such a thing. evangelism is all about two sides of the same Gospel: loving God and loving our neighbours as ourselves. fair enough, that sounds simple. but how do we actually show it?

relief- that this could be a gd respite from all the eating and catching up that i've been doing. it's come to a point where it becomes a routine and thus meaningless after some time. and to have to nice big plans falling flat on their face each time, that's simply infuriating.

anxiety-at not having found accommodation yet in paris for the next academic year. despite having trawled the net for a gd 5 weeks, ive nothing to show for it except false hopes of finding a gd deal, only to realise that it's the size of 5 storerooms. thinking about this accom shit can give me hernia. and the thought of not being able to house-hunt for a gd one week will prob keep me up each night for the upcoming week.

im beat, and have to go to bed now. here's wishing myself luck, and the mettle in debunking all the silly myths you guys enjoyed coming up with- stuff of my being unable to rough it out and worse, my causing a famine over there. bad bad humour hehe.

godspeed moi!